Disclaimer to all: This is not a pity post. This is a post that will hopefully start a discussion with other women who may have the same problems as me and ways they have come to terms with what they may be going through. Also, I joke to make this more light-hearted and lift what sadness may be associated with this.
How to start? Well, eleven years ago I was married. Greatest day of my life! Three and a half years after that we decided it was time to start a family. I got pregnant quickly and had a miscarriage 12 weeks later. It was hard to go through but like every trial, you become stronger. We waited three months, like the doctor said (we play by the rules....occasionally), and decided to start trying again. One month passed, then two, then six, then finally nine months later I got pregnant with Brandon. It was wonderful... stars, roses, flowers, kittens, etc. A year and a half later we decided it was time to add a sibling to the mix, because when you get perfection the first time, you know you'll get perfection again! Which we did! Again, nine months passed before I got pregnant again. That was when we were blessed with Kendal.
In October of 2005 we decided it was time to start trying again. In October of this year it will have been three years that we've been hoping, praying, and struggling. I've been to the doctor and he SAYS there's nothing wrong. Maybe, there's a whole master scheme going on....hmmm... Anyways, there's nothing wrong. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not being ungrateful. I'm very grateful for the two wonderful children I've been given and I love them more than life itself. And, it's only recently that I've stopped obsessing about getting pregnant and really enjoyed them. I think I've had more fun the past few months than I have in a long time. I thought I was enjoying them before, but I feel like I was detatched. Kind of watching the situation from the outside while a war waged in my mind and heart about my problems.
I've come to terms that I may not have any more kids and I'm not angry. So, don't worry that if you get pregnant I'm going to be mad at you and come egg your house. Because I won't. I'll be happy for you. Not having more kids has been my biggest struggle because I wanted a whole bunch of kids. A friend explained it this way: maybe when we were all up in heaven just the four of us got together and decided we would work together and help each other through this life. Maybe there's not anybody else up there headed for our family. I don't know.
My questions now are numerous. How long do you wait before you give up or do you always hold out hope? What about adoption, how does that work? What is a good age gap between kids or is there never really a good one? How old should I be when I stop? There's just too many unknowns which I think is where faith takes over and I just go along for the ride.
So, anyone that wants to weigh in, go for it! I know there's lots of you out there who hold the key and aren't speaking. If this diatribe isn't torture enough for you to talk then (when to use then or than....aargh...I don't remember) I don't know what will. If you want, link to your blog and write your own story, if not, leave me lengthy detailed comments on the right way to go about this so I don't do it the wrong way. And, let me tell you ahead of time....thanks...not just from me, but from all those that your words of inspiration may help.
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