Jax's Last Day

I've hesitated writing this because I really wasn't sure what to say.

We're good.

We keep on keeping on.

The day he left was the hardest.

All day long I thought to myself,

"This is the last bottle I'll feed you."

"This is the last nap you'll take in your room."

And on and on.

I tried to memorize every little thing we did together.

When his new family came, we took some pictures together and talked a little.

We were all holding it together pretty well until his new mom, Phoenix, started sobbing.

It was all over then.

As I went to hand him off, I couldn't let go. I held him close and kept kissing his little face and head over and over again.

I didn't want to forget.

After they walked out the door, I didn't watch them.

I held my little Kendal who was sobbing uncontrollably.

We sat for awhile, her crying, me holding my baby tight.

And then life went on.

For about two days after he left I had dreams of his new family bringing him back to us and then taking him away again. The dream would repeat itself over and over again all night long.

At night, I would wake up thinking he was crying and ready for a bottle.

For some reason, today while shopping at Wal-Mart I found myself in the middle of the baby section. I looked around and hurried out before I had myself a minor breakdown.

About 10 minutes ago I thought I heard him crying over the baby monitor.

Even now, I feel emotional over the smallest things.

I think I didn't want to write this because I knew I would cry.

And I am.

But, he's happy.

He has another family that loves him just as much as we do.

And really, they are wonderful.

They are an amazing, awesome family.

And I'm thankful that if he's going to be somewhere other than with us, it's with them.

Luckily we have the most awesome friends and family.

I've gained a few pounds because of all the wonderful meals and goodies we got.

And really, there's nothing wrong with cookies for breakfast (me, not the kids), it's the breakfast of champions!

Even though it's been hard, I know that we've gotten through it because of you.

All your prayers, good thoughts and love have been felt.

So...

thank you.